The distinction between “maiden” and “mother” is obvious if a woman actually becomes a mother, but the idea of birthing and creating is not limited to human reproduction. Having a child is a serious and permanent life altering occasion that forces you to be responsible for another human being. Like any permanent and life-altering situation, it is not for everyone. Nevertheless, females, to a far greater extent than men, live with the pressure to reproduce in order to be considered “real” women. Contrary to what popular culture would have you believe, not everyone wants into the cult of motherhood. Some people don’t know yet, and some people change their minds. And that’s ok. Whether or not children are involved, life decisions need to be made thoughtfully and with one’s best interests in mind. Traditional milestones like graduating college, marriage, parenthood, etc. are not the only ways to measure success in life. Until more of us realize this, women will always be defined by our ability to “measure up” to other’s standards instead of our own.
Women who choose not to have children are forced to explain and defend their decisions their entire lives. Complete strangers become authorities on what you SHOULD want, as if you are not capable of deciding for yourself. Prepare for the ever present and infuriating response,

 

“That’s really selfish of you.”

On one hand, it’s flattering that someone has made the assessment that you’re someone they’d like to see little reproductions of. On the other hand, there are myriad reasons to not have children, and if you decide not to procreate, get ready to list them over and over and over, because simple preference is not enough for
most people. They will always assume that you hate children, are a raging dyke, or have opted to follow some other “course” in life, perhaps a career or artistic passion. At the same time that women are expected to reproduce and become über-moms, they are nevertheless supposed to be responsive to the demand to be attractive and flawless. women who remain childless contend with the same expectations upon their bodies; likely this sense is intensified, since their bodies have not “fulfilled” their “purpose.” Oftentimes childless women are pitied as incomplete or unfulfilled. Even as our culture demands sex for the practical purpose of overpopulating the planet, the implication is that sex should be between (married) straight people with the eventual goal of procreation.

There are multiple problems with these assumptions.

Childless women do not necessarily hate children. Undoubtedly, some do, but the sad reality of child abuse is proof that, some women who are mothers hate children: their own. Some of the best aunts in the world are those who do not have their own children. Nieces and nephews are the perfect outlet for fun and affection, without the responsibility of maintenance, which is why they are excellent babysitters. This
love is not necessarily sprung from a place of longing to be their mother; rather, one’s family (biological or chosen) is an environment where a woman can be freely nurturing.

One common idea about childless women is that they all “favor women.” The status quo is built on the tenet of heterosexuality, marriage, and the nuclear family in general comprising the most favored consumer group. As such, patriarchy seeks to reproduce and reinforce the norms it sells. “Average,” then, becomes “natural,” by default making anything but the standard into “the other” which is less human and therefore less valuable. Nevertheless, women of any orientation are able to conceive, and gay adoption has made strides—through great effort—toward debunking the stereotype that rejection of heterosexuality is a rejection of all ”family” values.

The notion of choosing a career “over” motherhood is preposterous. This concept presents the idea that you have to choose between motherhood and everything else. The perception that a woman’s growth and exploration ends at childbirth is wrong and based on a 1950s fantasy in which every mother’s goal was to make the perfect cookies for junior’s return from school. If only out of necessity, mothers these days make up a
significant amount of the workforce, but many women follow through with their career goals, baby in tow. (melody’s article). Explaining that a woman has opted for work or art is still an apology for failing to meet the expectations of her culture. Anything other than family is seen as inferior and requires constant qualification, because a woman not wanting to spring life from her loins is regarded as unnatural. Until women are portrayed and seen as human beings with individual personalities, capable of deciding for themselves what their lives will look like, the journey toward becoming a complete person will be clouded by the demands of patriarchal society.

For that matter, the idea that having children is what completes a person’s life experience is mistaken and insulting. This idea assumes that not only are women incomplete human beings until they produce something aside from just themselves, (a little consumer, yay!) it additionally works on the belief that all mothers are the same, and this shared experience is also part of what they as individuals were missing before. Furthermore, it perpetuates the idea that there is one “right” path in life. Just because one can have kids, does not mean they have to. Pressuring women to have children is tied closely to the belief that our bodies are the most important part of our existence, since nothing we produce with our minds could ever be valued as highly as having children.

This is not to say that all women who are mothers have become parents strictly to please society (!!). It IS to say that ultimately, the decision about starting a family should be a conscious, thought out one, because being active participants in living our lives and creating our futures –however we want them—is the most revolutionary and counter-hegemonic action any person can take.

~Liz Leøn